ilumin Confirms What Conspiracy Theorists Have Always Known

Seedy Secrets and a Dark Underbelly, The Doctors Finally Come Clean

Are you of the opinion that Valentine’s Day was invented by Hallmark to sell cards? That Thanksgiving is a product of the Turkey Council of America to serve overcooked birds? Perhaps your birthday is just an excuse for your mother to tell you the story of your 13-hour labor and ask why you don’t call anymore.

Maybe.

But a confession about the true origins of another holiday have rocked the world of eye care. August is National Eye Exam month, and the ilumin doctors have had enough of secrets. The truth is, Eye Exam Month was invented by ophthalmologists to keep you seeing clearly for the rest of your life. It’s true. We’ve been in on it the whole time.

In our selfish and relentless mission to keep eyes healthy, we didn’t even consider who may get hurt. Those who don’t want to see. Husbands who have asked you where the milk is eleven times while you insist that it’s on the top shelf of the refrigerator. Children who just can’t find their shoes. Your teenage daughter who can stare directly into a closet filled with clothes, swearing that she hasn’t a thing to wear. The innocent victims of our crusade.

But what’s more… we aren’t even sorry about it. We have seen the truth, and we want you to see it, too. If it takes inventing a national holiday to get our patients in for an exam, we’ll do it. And we won’t stop there. If all goes according to our diabolical plan, every person who walks through our doors will be rained down upon with attentive service and a level of care that will make their own mother jealous. That’s right, moms. We’re coming for your families, and we’re coming for you, too. 

Early Recruitment

We start our process early, indoctrinating pre-adults, or “children”, as they’re sometimes called, into the belief that they should be able to see clearly. Our research shows that once a child has seen the difference, they will never accept less than excellent vision. Once the standard is set, they’re ours for life. 

Building a Smarter Child

We have found a direct correlation between poor eye sight and poor grades. Inability to see the board combined with frustration about feeling like they have to ask too many questions to understand leads to slipping academic prowess. In response, we arm our patients with corrective lenses to ensure that ilumin patients are among the smartest and best equipped for life ahead. 

Eye on the Ball

Not only are our patients better students, but they are better athletes. The ability to see and size up an opponent, to seize the ball and run with it, with a clear vision of the path ahead, gives our patients a competitive edge. 

Lifetime Members

We aren’t only coming for your children. We want the millennials, the xenials, the boomers. We want you all on our team, and we want you to see the light. And the dark. And the near, and the far, and the small…. We want you to see it all!

But ilumin, Why so Relentless?

Currently, approximately 14 million Americans are in need of vision correction. Of those, about 11 million are not being treated for their vision impairment. That means that the ratio of glasses-wearing individuals to non-glasses wearing individuals on your Guess Who board needs to be adjusted.

If you’re one of those 11 million citizens living your life in a blur, we’re coming for you. Or rather, we’re hoping you’ll come to us. If you have elderly parents, grandparents, or neighbors, we’re hoping we can count on you to offer a ride so they can get the most out of life, as well. Many elderly patients stop coming in for their annual eye exam, worried about putting their friends and family out more than necessary. Vision is necessary, but they may not be asking. Take the initiative. Offer. 

It simply won’t do to have people we can help wandering around with poor vision. Just think of all the things you’ve bumped into! All the people you’ve waved hello at, who weren’t actually Gina from Pilates. Remember when you found out that your coworkers all thought you were standoffish? It’s because at the office holiday party, you spent half of the night scowling at a bag of potato chips trying to decide if they were salt and vinegar or sour cream and onion. It’s affected your friendships. Hasn’t this gone far enough?

Our mission is simple: sharing our vision of a better future with you. Whether you’re a retiree who just wants to read without getting a headache, or an entrepreneur trying to see to the other side of your start up, ilumin can make things a little clearer. 

So please, come celebrate National Eye Exam Month with us. 

Don’t accidentally glare at a coworker trying to decide if they’re really Robert Downey Jr. That’s Susan from HR and you’re making her uncomfortable. 

Just give in. Join us. Once you see things the way we do… we promise you’ll be hooked.

Contact us today